Girlfriend Job Description
Successful and Talented Guys, Inc. (“STG”) has an immediate need for a Girlfriend for its President/CEO.
Job Responsibilities — The Girlfriend’s duties include attending dinners, movies, cultural events and parties with the CEO. Regular cuddling with and kissing the CEO are essential parts of the job.
Type of Position — This is a romantic position, not a Platonic position. Although the CEO wants his Girlfriend to become his best friend, STG has zero interest in a “friends first” type of relationship.
Status of Position — Ordinarily employees hired by STG report to the CEO; he is their boss. For this position we are making an exception. The CEO is looking for an equal partner, someone he completely respects and who is not subordinate in any way. At the same time, the CEO does not expect to have the Girlfriend as his boss. The CEO is not looking for a “trophy” Girlfriend.
Intelligence — Most people consider the CEO to be brilliant; a few previous Girlfriends have called him “scary smart.” (You don’t get admitted to graduate school at Harvard without a B.A. without being fairly intelligent.) The CEO is attracted to women of exceptional intelligence. His most important concern is that she be a good conversationalist and that he will not get bored with her. STG does discriminate against candidates with mental defects.
Intellectual Interests — The CEO has a background in computer science and information systems, having been a senior software engineer at a major computer company. The CEO’s business interests include corporate strategy, competitive analysis, business process reengineering, project and team management, knowledge management, and commercial applications of the Internet. His other interests include classical music, the performing arts, microeconomics, political economy and law. The CEO is attracted to women with a wide range of intellectual interests. Extraordinary artistic creativity is also highly valued.
Education — The CEO studied international relations (specifically, defense policy and arms control) at Harvard University and had a research fellowship at Harvard Business School. Most of the women who have previously held this position have held graduate degrees, but this is not essential.
Gender — Applicants must be female; no males will be considered for this position. Please note that STG does not abide by Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964.
Transgendered Individuals — Not only must applicants be female, but they must have been born female. STG will not consider individuals who used to be male and have had a sex change.
Gender Identity — STG does discriminate against individuals who are uncertain about their gender identity. If you are confused about whether you’re male or female, STG is the wrong firm for you. Thus, STG does not abide by the Massachusetts trial court’s ruling in Lie v. Sky Publishing Corp., 15 Mass. L. Rptr. 412 (Mass. Super. 2002).
Sexual Preference — STG does discriminate based on an applicant’s sexual preference. If a woman is not attracted to men, she will not be considered for this position. STG will consider women who are attracted to both men and women (bi-curious and bi-sexual). Unlike the U.S. military, we do not have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. Please note that STG does not in way abide by Massachusetts General Laws Chapter 151B Section 4.
Religion — The CEO is Protestant and STG will consider applicants who are Protestant, Catholic, Jewish, and other “mainstream” religions. STG will not consider those who practice “extreme” religions such as Orthodox Judaism or Mormonism, as well as “offbeat” religions such as paganism or Jehovah’s Witnesses. In general, those who are extremely devout to any religion are not a good fit for STG, as we have found such people to often be inflexible and sometimes quite unethical. On a daily basis, STG proudly fails to abide by Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964.
Age — STG will consider applicants between 18 and 35. Females closer to 18 will need to demonstrate a high level of maturity for their age. Women closer to 35 will need to convince STG they are young at heart and do not have excessive baggage. Because STG does not consider applicants older than 40, STG flouts the Age Discrimination in Employment Act of 1967.
Child Labor Laws — As a matter of policy, STG does not consider applicants less than 18 years of age, and thus STG is not subject to the Massachusetts child labor laws codified in Massachusetts General Laws Chapter 149, Sections 53-105.
Race — Most of the girls the CEO has dated have been Caucasian but STG will also consider Asians and Latinas. STG does not in way abide by Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964.
Health — Applicants should be in good health and free of serious physical, mental and emotional handicaps. Emotional stability is essential — any emotional baggage must be carry on, rather than dozen of suitcases. If you’re nuts, this is the wrong position for you, irrespective of whatever medications you are taking. STG regularly flouts the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990.
Physical Attributes — The CEO prefers women whose weight is proportional to their height. Slightly thin or a few pounds overweight is OK, really thin or more than a little bit overweight is not. The CEO is not obsessed with thinness in women the way so many men are. The CEO is attracted to women with curves and he has a preference for women who are buxom. (If a girl is flat chested, realistically it is not going to work.) The CEO has a slight preference for tall women but this is not a deal breaker. Hair and eye color make do not matter in the least.
Positive Outlook — Applicants should be outgoing, positive, optimistic (sees the glass as half full, not half empty), not moody, and energetic. A sense of humor is essential for this position. The CEO prefers Girlfriends who laugh and smile a lot and who do not take themselves too seriously.
Myers-Briggs Personality Inventory — On the MBTI, the CEO is an INTJ. Most people assume he is a strong E rather than an I (he is pretty much in the middle). Although STG is not particularly concerned with the applicant’s MBTI type, strong scores on three scales could be an indication of a bad fit. Applicants who are very strong Is might not be social and extroverted enough for the CEO, especially considering the parties he gives. Women who are very strong S (Intuitives vs. Sensors) might not be able to handle the complex, abstract intellectual conversations the CEOs enjoy. Candidates who are very strong Ps might be too flaky. In all cases, STG is concerned only with very strong scores on all of these scales — e.g., a girl with mild Is, Ss or Ps would be fine.
Manners — Manners and kindness to strangers are extremely important to STG, and we have no interest in applicants who are rude, flaky or are space cadets. If an applicant is not good at returning telephone calls or e-mails, if she regularly shows up late, if she can’t get her act together to treat others courteously and with respect, she would be a better fit for STG’s competitors.
Follow Through — If the CEO is interested in you, he will pursue you — dates, phone calls, e-mails, flowers and candy. STG seeks prospective Girlfriends who are able to “step up to the plate.”
Time to Devote to the Job — STG is only interested in applicants who have the necessary time and energy to devote to this exciting position. Applicants who are constantly busy or who have other responsibilities that preclude investing a lot of time and energy for a potential long-term relationship should not apply. If there is mutual interest, STG is interested in applicants who would like to date twice a week or more, plus sleepovers.
Career Success — The CEO is founder and Chairman of Juris Informatica, a company that publishes legal Web sites. He is also founder and Chairman of a leveraged buyout (“LBO”) firm that acquires companies with purchase prices of $10 million to $100 million, as well as a company that has commericalized the most advanced technology in the world to post ads on various Web sites. STG does respond favorably to applicants who have enjoyed successful professional careers in their “day job.” On the other hand, STG is not looking for women who are so career minded that they don’t have the time and energy to pursue a serious relationship. Applicants who have enjoyed extraordinary professional success should be at a point in their lives where they realize there is more to life than that. Candidates who put their career ahead of finding love should consider other companies.
Travel — After an initial probationary period, some travel will be required as part of this job — day trips, weekend trips, and longer trips abroad. Although STG recognizes that applicants will have a “day job” in order to earn a living, STG is not interested in applicants whose career requires them to travel on a frequent basis, as STG’s experience has been that it is difficult for a relationship to develop momentum when the applicant is regularly in another city. In particular, women who are consultants should expect some initial questioning about whether their travel schedule would permit the kind of relationship the CEO is looking for.
Romantic — The CEO is highly romantic and affectionate and it’s essential that applicants are the same. If you don’t love to cuddle for hours with your Boyfriend, this is the wrong position for you. Applicants should be comfortable with tasteful public displays of affection, as STG has no interest in cold fishes.
Feminine Characteristics — The CEO is attracted to girly girl, highly feminine women. Candidates who ask “What do you mean by feminine?” are often inappropriate for STG, as successful applicants usually have their own strong opinions about what is feminine.
Dress Code — STG does not have a formal written dress code. We prefer girlfriends with a sense of style who enjoy dressing in feminine skirts and dresses. STG prefers applicants to dress appropriately for interviews. Clothes that show off an applicant’s awesome figure are always appreciated. For dates, the CEO has a strong preference for girls who like to dress sexy — plunging neckline, lots of cleavage, short short hemline, high heels, dressed to kill.
Social Activities — In addition to launching Web sites, starting technology companies and purchasing companies, the CEO runs a social group that has become the most successful “high end” social organization in Boston. Each month he gives one large cocktail party at the Taj Hotel (formerly known as the Ritz-Carlton), with 250 to 500 people attending. He also gives two or three two smaller cocktail parties each month, with 25 to 150 people attending. In addition, he gives one or two dinner parties a month, as well as hosting numerous other events. (It’s a rough life.) A prospective Girlfriend must enjoy socializing and have the social poise to meet and interact with many different types of people, including high-end, high powered people. Once the relationship becomes reasonably serious, the CEO would like his Girlfriend to co-host his parties.
Commuting — The CEO resides and works in Boston’s Back Bay. In order to minimize commute time, STG prefers applicants who reside no more than 30 minutes from Back Bay. The CEO is not looking for a long distance relationship. If a girl lives elsewhere, she would need to convince STG that she could relocate to Boston very quickly. For such individuals, relocation assistance is available if needed.
Personal Organization — STG prefers applicants who have basic organizational skills. If you are unable to show up on time, or to return telephone calls promptly, that would be a problem. The CEO has no interest in dating (or even knowing) rude people, flakes or space cadets.
Professional Experience — Previous track record as a successful Girlfriend is required. If a girl lacks prior experience as a successful Girlfriend, STG prefers that she obtain her basic training elsewhere, as STG does not have the resources to provide apprentice-level on-the-job training. STG has no interest in applicants who do not understand men, who are naive about dating, who have bizarre ideas about relationships, or who are looking for a “friends first” relationship.
Children — STG strongly prefers applicants who do not have children or do not have children living at home. In very unusual cases, STG will consider applicants with children if they can demonstrate that such kids will not seriously impact the applicant’s performance as a Girlfriend. The CEO has dated women with children and he has become quite tired of “I can’t find a babysitter,” “I have to take Johnny to the play rather than go to dinner with you,” “I need to go to the PTA meeting” talks. If the CEO is interested in you, he will make you the most important person in his life, and he expects the same from a Girlfriend. Those who have children living at home should expect numerous questions about how much time an applicant can devote to a relationship. STG proudly violates on a daily basis the Family and Medical Leave Act of 1993.
Animals — The CEO has a dog, Cassie, literally the cutest dog in the world. Part of the Girlfriend’s job is to pet her when she requests. Accordingly, it’s essential that prospective Girlfriends love dogs and cats and not be allergic to them.
Smoking — STG has a strict non-smoking policy. Applicants who smoke (even just occasionally) will not be considered. Those who have quit should have not smoked for at least one year.
Sexual Harassment Policy — STG does not have an anti-sexual harassment policy. If the CEO is attracted to an applicant, he will try to kiss her. On a regular basis, STG fails to follow the Model Sexual Harassment Policy Policy 96-2 proposed by the Massachusetts Commission Against Discrimination. STG’s attitude towards the MCAD is “Go to Hell.”
Computer Skills — The CEO is a “guru” in computers, literally among the best in the world in some categories. Outstanding computer skills are not required of applicants but basic computer literacy is.
Salary — For most applicants there is no salary for this position but there is an excellent benefits package, payable in kind rather than in monetary payments. Because STG does not normally pay a salary to the CEO’s Girlfriend, STG is not in compliance with Massachusetts General Laws Chapter 151 Section 1. In cases where the relationship has progressed to a reasonably serious level (most likely, living together), STG may offer a stipend for the Girlfriend.
Hours — This is a part-time position. Assuming there is mutual interest, the CEO would fairly quickly propose dating twice a week with a suitable applicant. After the initial probationary period, the work hours will be increased to include more dates and sleepovers, followed by living together. In addition, day and weekend trips are an essential part of the job. STG does not pay for overtime and thus to the extent that the Girlfriend spends more than 40 hours a week with the CEO, STG is not in compliance with the Fair Labor Standards Act of 1938.
Occupational Safety — Reasonably soon into the relationship, STG expects that the selected Girlfriend will spend a considerable amount of time at the CEO’s residence in Back Bay. This residence has never been inspected by the Occupational Health and Safety Administration and thus it is quite possible that STG is in violation of the Occupational Safety and Health Act of 1970.
Career Ladder — STG offers an excellent career path for the appropriate candidate, as a Girlfriend who successfully demonstrates she is the CEO’s soul mate will be promoted to fiancée and then to Wife. Please note that the fiancée position is expected to be temporary and to lead to promotion to Wife within a reasonable time frame. STG has a strict “promote from within” policy and therefore STG is unable to consider lateral applicants who want to become the CEO’s fiancée or Wife immediately.
Unemployed Applicants — STG will only consider applicants who currently do not have a Boyfriends, as we are are not interested in Girlfriends who are looking to upgrade from their current Boyfriend. In addition, prospective Girlfriends should have been unemployed sufficiently long to be over their ex.
Interview Process — The CEO will conduct a telephone interview after receiving your e-mail. In-person interviews will be conducted at a restaurant of the applicant’s choosing. Successful applicants will be invited to a second and subsequent interview, leading to day trips and weekend trips.
Other Interviews — STG is not interested in applicants who seek to interview with numerous companies at once. If an applicant appears to be exceptionally well qualified and to have long-term potential, and if she is seriously interested in the CEO, STG will quickly terminate the interview process with other applicants.
Serious Applicants Only — STG is only interested in applicants who are looking for a serious, committed, deeply intimate relationship. Those who are not over their ex, who don’t know what they want in a guy, who don’t have the time to devote to pursuing a relationship, who want to date several men at the same time, or who are not looking for a serious relationship should not apply for this position.
Application Deadline — Since the Girlfriend position is not currently filled, our need is immediate. Early applications are encouraged.
Resumes — Resumes are not required as part of the application process but if you want to send one, that would be fine.
References — References from previous Boyfriends are not required. References from the CEO’s previous Girlfriends will not be provided.
Writing Samples — Writing samples are not required. Literacy is a requirement, however. Applicants who write unusually clever opening e-mails will be given special preference, as long as the applicant understands that the CEO is not interested in obtaining e-mail friends; instead, he will propose a phone call.
Application Process — Ordinarily STG’s Human Resources department screens all resumes. Due to our desire of filling this position quickly, applicants should bypass the Human Resources department and send an e-mail directly to the CEO. Please include several face and full body shots and your phone numbers. The CEO is not interested in obtaining new e-mail buddies, and thus talking on the phone is important. The CEO can be reached at email@example.com. If you have a profile on an Internet dating site, please include your screen name so the CEO can read your profile before he calls you.
Materials to Include — Applications should include their telephone number, as the CEO has no interest in new e-mail buddies. If the CEO likes your application, he will telephone you rather than sending you an e-mail. Applicants must include one or more photos, ideally including a full body shot. The CEO will respond with a photo for those who are interested.
I’ve got to ask. How long did it take to write this?
Sometimes I go into a flow state and it just flows. Writing the text took about three hours. I then wanted to get the correct names of the statutes, so I thought, “I’ll just go to the Internet and look them up.” Three hours and dozens of Web sites later, I hadn’t found the correct name of one lousy statute. (This was before Google improved their search algorithms.) So I called a labor lawyer I use, and asked him for the exact names. He kept asking me why I wanted to know this, and I kept ducking the question. Finally I told him and he burst out laughing. He thought it was so funny that he didn’t even bill me for his time. It just goes to show; sometimes the traditional approach is better than the Internet.
Have you seen any other job descriptions (boyfriend or girlfriend) on the Internet?
Here are some that I think are particularly good: