Miscellaneous

You seem like quite a catch. Why aren’t taken?

I’ve had three relationships since 2002 (one very serious, one serious, and one not so serious) and I guess I’ve had a significant number of women interested in me. In most cases, I just did not feel a strong connection — I had the sense that we would run out of things to talk about. In some cases, I wanted someone with higher energy. (I DO like high energy.)

And there have been several women I’ve been interested in, girls with whom it appeared (albeit based on limited information) there might be long-term potential. One was not over her ex. One lived in Seattle and was supposedly moving to Boston in a few weeks, but never did. (Two years later, she is still in Seattle.) One moved from Boston two months after I met her, and neglected to tell me on our first date of her imminent departure. One was not attracted to me. (That’s the last time I ever date someone with bad eyesight.) One was up for partner at a major law firm and felt she had to work 80 hours a week for the next year. One had three kids and could not date more than once a week. One lived 150 miles from Boston. So I’ve learned to ask some questions up front.

I don’t think I’m too picky, but I do want a strong connection as a basis for a relationship.

Have you noticed any differences between the women in Boston and New York?

Obviously there are many. Here’s one interesting difference. In Boston, unless a girl has an M.B.A. or is otherwise sophisticated about business, the odds that she knows what a leveraged buyout is is quite small. When women in Boston ask me what I do, I say, “I own a leveraged buyout firm” and then I usually get a blank stare. In New York, not only does it seem as if every female over 21 knows what an LBO firm, but they understand subtle difference between being a principal and an agent (i.e., being an LBO professional as opposed to an investment banker) and between the two forms of private equity (LBOs and venture capital). Rather than a blank stare, their response more likely to be, “Which firm?” and then they will ask you detailed questions about the capital structure of your last acquisition.

Why do you use “girl” rather than “woman”?

Oh pleeeeeeeeease. In Boston, in social situations, adult females are usually referred to as “girls” rather than “women.” You would never say “I know a great woman you should meet,” you would say “I know a great girl you should meet.” If I look at Internet dating sites, I see women with screen names of “Nice Girl,” “Music Girl,” “Film Girl” and “Horse Girl” — I see no screen names of “Nice Woman,” “Music Woman,” “Film Woman” or “Horse Woman.” In a social setting, “woman” often sounds too old — someone your mother’s age, no doubt a great person, but I don’t want to date my mother’s friends. In a professional setting, one would never use “girl” — you’d never say, “There’s going to be a conference of girl attorneys,” but rather “There’s going to be a conference of women attorneys.”

There are lots of complex reasons for the different use of words depending on whether the setting is social or professional. I suspect it is part of the post-feminist era we live in — a recognition that feminism was very helpful in reducing barriers to professional success for women, but that when it comes to social and romantic relationships, most women (and men) feel more comfortable with many of the traditional roles. Most women seek chivalry and want the guy to take the lead in romantic relationships. Most guys want a girl who is very feminine and girly girl.

Using “girl” does not in any way diminish or denigrate the professional accomplishments of even extraordinary women. It’s simply a recognition that social settings are very different than professional settings, that what works well in one setting does not carry forward to the other setting. I have many male friends who mouth politically correct/feminist concepts. But then you look at the women they date, who are not nearly as intelligent as they are, who have accomplished little, but happen to be very attractive. If you look at what they do rather than what they say, it’s obvious what is most important to them. You would have to look long and hard to find a guy who is more interested than me in how smart a girl is and what she has accomplished, as opposed to how attractive she is. So who is more of the feminist — them or me?

If a girl is going to be upset being called a girl, then realistically she is the wrong girl for me. She’s better off (or at least thinks she is better off) with one of my politically correct male friends. I am looking for someone who is my match, who challenges me and makes me think, who keeps me on my toes.

(As you may have guessed, I pride myself in being un-PC.)

I don’t think I’m the girl for you, but I have a friend that would be perfect for you? Can I send her this profile?

Absolutely. Please do.

Aren’t you worried that this profile is way, way, way too long?

Hey, I’m a complex, fascinating, interesting guy. Wouldn’t everyone want to read what I have to say? Besides, it’s only way, way too long, not way, way, way too long.

A more serious answer is: Anyone who is intelligent will read the sections they are interested in and skip the ones they are not interested in. (That’s why the headings are useful.) If you’re only interested in 20 percent of the sections, then only read 20 percent. I’m looking for someone with high bandwidth, who can absorb a lot of material. If this profile is more than she can handle, I might be the wrong guy for her. Most likely Miss Right will find this interesting and say to herself after reading this, “I want to meet this guy NOW.”

In addition, I am looking for a woman with intellectual depth. I know this sounds arrogant, but it’s hard to imagine such a woman who after reading this profile would not want to at least meet me.

What kind of reaction have you received concerning this profile?

Very favorable overall. About 40 percent say they love it (“Most interesting profile I have read,” “brilliant,” that kind of thing. I welcome such comments, by the way. ) Another 25 percent say they like it and bring up an issue or two they want to discuss, but none of them are deal breakers. Twenty percent say nothing about my profile but want to talk on the phone. And 15 percent bow out after reading it. Even the ones that bow out almost always like it; it’s just that they conclude that she and I are not a good fit.

Have you found any correlation between a woman’s reaction to your profile and whether things work out?

Absolutely.

First, a few women I’ve met haven’t read it at all. “I want to get to know someone by meeting them, not by reading a long memo.” In those cases, it has never gone to a second date, not because I particularly cared whether they read my profile, but rather that I’ve never clicked with women who do that.

Second, I’ve noticed that the smarter the girl, the more likely she is to like this profile. I’ve corresponded with about two dozen women that most would agree at the top of the intellectual and/or professional food chain — e.g., women who teach at Harvard or MIT, judges, former Rhodes Scholars, those who’ve won either the Nobel or Pulitzer prize, managing partners of major professional service firms, CEOs of fairly substantial companies, partners of private equity firms. All but one of these loved my profile and wanted to meet.

Third, I have found that the women I click with always have a strong reaction to this profile. In almost all cases, they find parts of it humorous and there are some parts they particularly relate to, and maybe some parts are even informative. In some cases, some women have vehemently disagreed with a few sections and want to discuss their thoughts on that. A few have changed my mind on some issues, and you’re reading the revised version. But in all cases, the women I’ve clicked with have not been neutral on it. If her reaction is bland, then it’s unlikely she is Miss Right.

Anything else?

You should be smart enough to know whether I am serious and when I am kidding. If you really think I have a 647-page “Girlfriend Manual,” that I have assigned you code AF-413, or that I receive hundreds of e-mails a week from women, then I’m probably the wrong guy for you. Hint: If you see the word “seriously,” I was kidding in the comment before that.

I hope you don’t take my answers too seriously. What really matters is whether we click.

One last thing before you go. I’ve heard about your “Girlfriend Job Description.” What is it?

Ok, here it is.